Revised: Leah in the Quad

Frankly, I have no idea how I ended up here. I think I might have fallen asleep again somehow, which I so often do these days in my old age, and I'm actually dreaming. Indeed, maybe I'll wake up in a moment from my nap and realize this has all been just a figment of my imagination.

But still, in this vision, I can't help but admit my surroundings amaze me. The buildings are solidly-built with strong stones and bricks. There are trees and bushes everywhere, in addition to their countless leaves on the ground below. And I wonder, What would it have been like for one of Anatole’s students to learn in one of these impressive buildings? To look out the window each day and see the sun shining brightly on perfectly green grass next to smooth concrete walkways? To hear the laughter of the students already here and listen to their music?

But alas, it was not meant to be in the Congo. Suddenly, I remember everything, and a pang of regret pierces my heart. A second later, I reproach myself for once again lamenting about what might have been. I have told myself again and again that I must put the past behind me and focus on the here and now. And yet, no matter what time of day it is or where I am, my thoughts always turn back to the Congo. Will my time there always haunt me? Once more, I silently and bitterly ask God (if the rumors are true that he exists), For what purpose were we sent there? Tell me, why did we need to suffer such pain and heartache each day?

He doesn’t answer. Of course not. He never does, it seems to me.

But today, as I stand surrounded by this school that is unknown to me, practically shaking with anger, something gives way. Something cracks inside my soul, and I know the reason that has always been enticingly out of reach before. Anatole is the reason. Yes, him, along with Pascal, Patrice, Martin-Lothaire, and Nataliel. I lost my sister, but I gained much more back. Why? Well, how could I know?

Faintly irritated, I gaze at the buildings once more as if they could in some way give me the answer to my newest question, but I may never know or even acknowledge what that answer is. Inside, I feel as if I had escaped from my cage, only to find myself captured in another. But surprisingly, my new confinement feels more…pleasing to me…like a place I can endure. I watch as a couple birds alight into a tree, and finally I begin to smile.